Dahir In Class Essay Results

Dahir’s NPR Commentary Analysis:
Class Results:
Class Average: 6
Grade breakdown:

8: 4 (High fives to Richie, Xander, Megan and Tali!)
7.5: 3
7: 1
6.5: 3
6: 4
5.5: 2
5: 5
4: 4

Common Problems
1. Misunderstanding Dahir’s purpose and/or point of view.
2. Eliminating aspects of the prompt.
3. Weak or overly wordy introductions.
4. Limited or completely absent identification of rhetorical strategies
5. Summarizing the commentary rather than analyzing the author’s method of presentation.
6. Lack of connection between the examples of rhetoric and how they help convey the author’s purpose to the audience.

High scorers…
1. Wrote introductions that covered all elements of the prompt.
For example:
“‘One nation under God’” are the words every U.S. student recites each morning during the Pledge of Allegiance, but what if a student does not believe in the same God referenced in the pledge? This question mirrors the issue Mubarak Dahir addresses in his commentary about his first grade year at Sharpe Elementary. Dahir effectively utilizes repetition, polysyndeton and hyperbole to argue against those who believe religion should prioritize education. Illustrating his contempt with a tone of child-like hopefulness, Dahir successfully illuminates the complications that arise from putting religion in the classroom, and shows his audience why religion and schools should not mix.” (Richie Eboka)

2. Demonstrated originality in their writing.
For example:
“Dahir’s message is still extremely relavant; teachers are sometimes preachers, and in public schools, that is isllegal…Dahir’s commentary was a spectacular reminder of the need to enforce the laws set in place to prevent occurrences like this. Everyone who reads this piece would feel inclined to side with the author, which demonstrates exactly how effective the commentary is. Dahir’s story exemplifies what public education in America should not be about.” (Tali Schroeder)

3. Showed the connection between the rhetoric and its intended effect on the audience.
For example:
“The commentary also features heavy use of repetition. Dahir focuses this strategy in places where he was exposed to Christianity: ‘a man in a black robe made us stand up and kneel and stand up and kneel and stand up and kneel.’ He employs the strategy again, discussing Sunday school: ‘And afterwards…there was lemonade and cookies and a nice woman…’ Dahir includes this repetition to great effect: the reader feels that he is almost overwhelmed by all the new stimuli, as if church happens in the fast click-click-click of a stop motion film.” (Megan Robertson)

4. Captured the overall point of view in their conclusion:
For example:
“The second to last paragraph may be the most noteworthy of the entire commentary. By using narrative, Dahir effectively recounts the events and shows that often times, when an established institution like a public school lacks diversity, it will begin to consider ethnocentrism acceptable instead of condemning it. The world is not a homogenous place, and we as a society must learn to accept that.” (Xander Miller)